I love this intro! It kind of reminds me of my favorite movie, “Big Fish.” I don’t know if you’ve seen it but it’s about this man who tells everyone all these tales of his past (he’s a tad over dramatic), but it’s such a good movie!
Well, I cannot wait to hear about the giant, evil crab that terrorized the animals until they were able to find his weakness (also, if you’re not referring to a person, it’s best to use “that” instead of “who”) or the sly little money that was able to save both their lives by tricking a couple of bloodthirsty crocodiles.
Great intro! I would just break up the sentence that introduces all the stories. There are three stories wrapped up into once sentence and I think it would be easier to read and clearer to understand if each story had its own sentence.
I loved the introduction to your storybook, Savannah, and I can't wait to read more when you have written the stories! Daada sounds like such a fun grandfather and I pictured myself with the children gathering around to listen to his wonderful tales. I also loved that you wrote in the present tense because that also helped me feel like I was right there with them.
I would love to know more about the grandchildren and maybe it would be fun to have them introduced in the introduction! Getting to know them would almost remind me of Princess Bride when the audience also has a relationship with the sick kid. I am also curious as to what time period in which this story takes place as well as the location. It would be fun to know!
I can't wait to hear the stories that Daada tells, especially the evil crab because I am giggling just picturing that! I agree with Paulina that the sentences about the stories were a little confusing, but breaking it up into several sentences would probably help with clarity.
I enjoyed reading your story and I am excited to keep up with it!
I really enjoyed your introduction Savannah! Daada is a great character that seems very wise. Reminds me a lot of my grandfather that had a story to tell every time! I also really enjoyed how you described a family environment. I can really relate to how these stories are told and in what scene they took place! I wish you explained more about the grandchildren because I know in every family (Big ones especially) you have different types of grandkids. I'm sure there are many stories that Daada is going to tell that are interesting! So many characters that seem to have very fun and interesting stories! I am looking forward to hear the moral stories behind each character! I also enjoyed how you portrayed Daada's perspective on how he feels about narrating stories to the children, good job! Looking forward to reading the stories!
Hi Savannah! Just the title of your storybook drew me in from the very beginning. You use a lot of great imagery in the introduction that really helps the reader visualize what your are saying. I also like how you incorporated some dialogue and interaction between Daada and his grandchildren. You also did a great job of setting up the background for your storybook. It is definitely very creative! I think this background that you used opened up your storybook to a lot of possibilities for stories that you can write about. It would be cool if you could explain more about the family in this introduction and incorporate them into your storybook as well. I would love to hear more about the grandchildren but also the parents of the grandchildren as well (Daada's children). Are they present when the stories are being told? What are their reactions? It would be awesome if you could really bring all of these characters to life and make it a real big family ordeal.
I like how you have the grandfather telling the story of his past. I agree with the above comment in that you should give more of a back story to the secondary characters in the story so you can bring them in again during the other stories and it will seem more connected. A little bit of imagery might be nice to lead into the next story. I am excited to see what the story is for the large crab. This man sort of sounds like Sinbad in his old age and is going back and retelling the stories to his grandkids. I would add a little but more detail to each story and maybe add the start of one story at the end to kind of lead it to the next story. I would also like to see some dialogue between him and his grandkids. I think later on that will help with connecting all the stories. Good luck!
Your story looks like it is going to be a riot to read. I cant wait to see what you are going to do! I think the format you are going for is going to wonderful to read. There are only a couple things I would suggest doing.
I think it would be cool if you added more information to which stories you are going to cover in your project. As long as it does not spoil to much it is okay to add a little more details about the stories to grab the readers attention and make them come back for more. At the very least give each story its own little sentence so that we know they are three separate tales. Also, I think it would be really cool if you gave your secondary characters in the intro more life of their own. I don't know if you plan on them interjecting in the main stories, but if you do it would help to develop them a little more.
I think you have a great story ahead of you, and I cannot wait to see more!
One of the first things I noticed when I opened up your storybook is that you have everything on the home page capitalized but on the introduction page they aren’t. Including the “intro” tab and the title. I do like your title and the little subtitle you added in there! The picture that you chose is very strong and inviting. The picture alone draws me in to keep reading! When I read this I pictured my family sitting around a fire on a cold, winter evening listening to our grandpa talk and tell stories! I like that you included a little dialogue too! You might add in just a little background on the kids in the story but other than that I would say this is great!
I can’t wait to read the stories as you continue with your storybook. I think the way you have formatted so far will be a good way to start as you add stories.
Intro: I love your imagery here. Your description of the characters' behaviors and Daada's home radiates a warm, familiar feeling that speaks to the "family story time" vibe you're seeking. Your teasing of the juicy parts of the stories is also good, and the dialogue feels like it comes right out of the characters' mouths. If there's one thing I must suggest, it's that the last few lines feel a bit too grandiose for the setting, but otherwise I think this is solid!
Story 1: Daada's narration and your character dialogue is lively and gets you wrapped into the situation. Your quotation marks gets a little confusing, though, blending characters in the story and Daada's quoted narration awkwardly. It might serve well to find a way to distinguish both with text formatting, and to review some rules on quotes within quotes and quotes that span multiple paragraphs. Some more description would also give the story more impact, like description of the children's reaction during the story and the image of the giant crab. There's also a strange point in the beginning where the children's eyes are closed, but they widen in "delight and terror" a few moments later. I like this as a starting story, but description and quotation rules will help it fit with your intro's atmosphere and stick out as a story in general. Keep up the good work!
Introduction: I thought it was good! You did a nice job setting up the picture at the beginning and the framework for telling your tale. I liked the elements of humor and that you listed the animals that Daada was going to talk about. However, I would rather be a bit more surprised about what happens in each animal's story. You kind of gave away the plot for each of them which makes going to read them seem anticlimactic. Besides that, I felt like your introduction seemed a bit repetitive and circular, but all around it was good.
Giant Crab: Again, your picture was super lovely. But I felt like there was a bit too much set up. The first few paragraphs were repeating what already happened in the intro. I would have him jump right in to telling the story, but again this is your piece so you can decide. Also with the scene setting, I'd like a bit more. I want a description of the trees or rocks or the animals to really set the stage. I liked the tale, although I found the crab falling in love with this elephant instead of wanting to kill her like every other elephant a bit far-fetched. I also just wanted a bit more backstory as to why Daada was out adventuring in the first place. But overall I think your concept is fun, and I'm interested to see where it goes!
I enjoy how you set up your storybook as stories that an old man tells children. This really gives you freedom to retell the stories however you like. So far, I'm intrigued. Your first story is really good. I like how you begin with Daada telling a story and I enjoy how you don't just have him telling the story, but you incorporate the children listening as well. It makes me feels as if I am with them listening. Something I noticed throughout the story, just a little grammar issue, but whenever you use dialogue in the midst of dialogue, like how Daada repeats the animals' words, use ' instead of ". I also think whenever you have someone telling a story, you always begin each paragraph with quotation marks, unless you are using dialogue as I pointed out. Still, I love that he can talk to the animals. I also love that he forms relationships with these animals and that they help each other out. I like the way you describe action. It is very vivid and clear, and there is a sense of suspense which is really good. I love how you took the original story and made it Daada's story. I also love the lesson at the end, that no matter who anyone is, one should always be selfless for them. Even though Daada had no connection with the elephants, he still risked his life to help them. Even though you are retelling these folktales, you are also doing a really great job at setting up Daada's character. I want to learn more about his adventures. You have done really well so far with this story, and I'm excited to see what else you come up with.
Hi Savannah! I had an extra choice this week, and your storybook title caught my eye!
I think you did a fantastic job with your introduction. It sets up all of the stories really well, and it makes it really easy for the reader to understand why the particular stories are going to be told. I also think you did a wonderful job writing about Daada and giving his character life.
In your first story, the level of detail you are able to include amazes me. It seems like you've put a lot of time and effort to get details just right. I also like that you keep the fact that you're main character is telling a story, and that you go in and out of the story. The transitions seem very naturally, and I never felt like I was pulled out of the story as a whole.
Moving on to the second story, I sorta expected to be greeted by the "... when the world was full of magic and adventure" line. It seemed important in your intro, and you even used it in your first story. You might want to bring it back for each story for consistency.
Daada seems to be a well-traveled individual with many years of stories. So the fact that your second story takes place immediately after the first was jarring. You might want to somehow make it apparent that the individual stories are closely connected at some point in your intro.
Yet again, you wrote a nice story. I like how chose not to include dialogue for the cat. It was a nice factor in the story that will help differentiate your tales.
Overall, I would recommend going through and fixing small grammatical errors. There aren't any glaring mistakes in your content -- you did great on that! I would also take time and work on how you visually break up your paragraphs. Sometimes there was a single line of space, other times there were multiple. You might also think of ways to visually break up the text, too.
Savannah, I think that your storybook is overall very well done. I think that the introduction does a great job of explaining the premise of your storybook. I love that you chose to center it around different animals and I think that using images of these animals makes it an easy connection between your images and your stories. I think that your writing style does a very good job of including humor and lots and lots of details into your stories. I like the personification of animals, I think that this makes it interesting on a different level. I think that the continuity between your stories is a great addition and is something that you should continue to do with your future stories. I also like the point of the story being so clear at the end, I think that this makes it easy to understand why a grandpa would be telling this story to his grandchildren, but still makes the story relatable to all readers. Overall, I think you've done a really good job with your stories and with your introduction. I think that your homepage could be a little more descriptive of your storybook. I think that including pictures relevant to your storybook as well as giving a small description that explains your storybook better would be really helpful here.
I’ve really enjoyed seeing all the different story formats and framing devices people have come up with for their Storybooks. I haven’t seen any quite like yours yet. I have seen one or two from the point of view of a single person who is telling a few different stories, but yours is unique because the narrating character is actively telling the story not to the reader, but to an in-story audience. Which definitely means some advantages and some drawbacks.
One thing you might want to work on is transitioning from the old man talking, to being inside the story with other characters’ dialogue. For example:
The eagle flying over me seemed friendly enough, so I waved him down to ask for directions to the closest water supply.”
“There is only one lake on this mountain and you do NOT want to go there!” said the eagle.
The format makes it a little confusing, because for a moment it seems like Daada is talking, and then the eagle is talking to him in the real world instead of inside the story he’s telling.
One other thing you could do in the future is include the kids. They react to the stories, but they could also interact with it. This could cause Daada to react to their comments and questions and change or explain certain parts of the story he tells.
But all in all, I think whether you end up doing any of the above things or not, you’re going to end up with a nice story!
Hi, Savannah! I'm glad I got to come back to your storybook!
I really like that you altered the book to make the Holy Cat story a two-part story. Since you did this, you might consider having some natural in-story break. I understand that it was just too much to fit into one story post, but it would be really cool if there was something within the universe of your story that caused the break. Maybe a child had a question.
Speaking of the children, it would be nice to have them be more interactive within your stories. Telling stories is a two-way street. The story teller has to react to the audience and adjust where necessary. Maybe if there is something complicated in your story, you have a child be confused, and then make Daada rephrase a part to better explain it.
Overall, I think you're doing a fantastic job with this story, and I can't wait to see the finished product!
Well, your story is certifiably entrancing. I started reading it and could not look away until I had read every thing you had. You have done a fabulous job capturing the story telling aspect. You have a perfect balance of unreliable narrator and omniscience narrator that it really feels like Dadda lived these events. I only have one suggestion. If there is any way you could show the separation between the story and the events taking place outside of it, you might want to. If you cannot do that with out effecting readability, don't , it is fine the way it is, but if you can it may help the reader understand what is going on easier. I loved your stories and cannot wait to read more form you.
Hi, Savannah! I really loved reading your story book and I found myself cracking up throughout the entire thing! I love picturing all of the kids eagerly listening to Daada even when they are "too old" to listen to such bedtime stories. I also loved when they were begging for him to not to make them go to bed and they said "PUHLEEASE"! What a good visual and use of dialogue! I really enjoyed the introduction and how it sets the stage for the stories to come. It made me eager to keep reading and I was definitely not disappointed with the following stories! I loved the giant crab and picturing him being so lonely made me sad! He definitely shouldn't have controlled the lake though so I'm glad the elephants were able to take it back! Overall, I extremely enjoyed your story and can't wait to read even more!
Hi, Savannah! This storybook was both an ingenious idea and a beautiful one. I love the character interactions and how you’re able to integrate and retell classic fables but still keep the main goal of it. I actually just wrote a story about “The Giant Crab” for this week’s storytelling post, and I loved it! When I saw that your first chapter was over it, I immediately clicked on your storybook to see your take on it. The only thing I would suggest is maybe a defining difference between Daada telling the story versus his own dialogue and the children’s. You could definitely do this by italicizing the fable or even providing a visual separation between the dialogue and story! This would help make your storybook more comprehensible without too much confusion. Aside from this, I had no serious probblems with your storybook! Everything was very well thought out and well written! Great job, and I can’t wait to read your next chapter!
Once again, I love your Daada character. His opening with the children gives his story a whimsical and charismatic feel.
It might help to have Daada elaborate in vague terms his reasoning as to why he's suspicious of the Holy Cat, as the hints given are the kinds that feel like you need to read into in order to get them.
Rather than suggesting italicizing to make a distinction between story and reality, I think italicizing the story dialogue might help make a distinction.
Also, rather than suggesting getting the children in on the story, how about some other relatives to interact with Daada as he weaves a tale? Do these children have a mother? For that matter, is Daada a grandfather?
"Gifted me many with provisions" should be "gifted me with many"
Overall, good first part, just a bit of family mood flavor to liven it up will make it really enjoyable.
THE HOLY CAT, PART 2:
Nice message, though it might have more impact if we see more of the divide between Daniel and the rest of his rat acquaintances.
Paragraph 3 gets mixed up in terms of time placement due to being part of Daada's present-day narration.
We seem to take a rather large jump to conclusions in paragraphs 10 and 11, from trying to uncover the Holy Cat's true intentions to trying to stop the Holy Cat from eating other rats. I think you can axe some unnecessary dialogue to make room for a more logical connection. It will help you plot be more coherent.
Something I just realized: who is talking when there are words without quotations?
Considering how small the rats are in comparison to the Holy Cat, how exactly did Ralphio manage to kill the Holy Cat?
Overall, It has a nice message, with a compelling conflict there with Daniel, though refining some of the logic and details in the plot events and the writing format will help make the resolution more meaningful.
Oh my gosh I love your Storybook! I was in the Indian Epics class last semester, so I originally thought Daada was going to turn out to be Rama or something, but this is so cute and even better! I never read a lot of these myths so it's so nice to be introduced to them in this way. I think adding the aspect of the grandfather telling stories to his grandchildren is a great way to make it more relatable to people. You did a really good job of subtly inserting Daada into the stories without it seeming as if he got all the credit or did nothing! I also love the pictures you picked for each story. They're all so cute and fit well together. I love the story of the Holy Cat the best! Such a good moral and funny story! I can't to read the rest! Is there going to be another story?
Hey Savannah! This is my first time visiting your storybook and I chose it as my freebie! I wanted to find one I had not commented on yet and was super excited when I came across yours! I noticed right off of the bat that the Titles at the top right corner of the welcome page are not capitalized. I am not sure if this was on purpose or not, but I figured I would make a note of it! I know some people do not like my story titles and so it is all off of preference. I jumped to the third story at first before deciding it was probably best to start at the beginning! I love your writing style as it is easy to read and all of the punctuation seems to be right! (I always struggle showing conversations in present tense!) Overall, great job!
I love the picture you chose for the intro! I think you could possibly find a more fitting picture for the cover page, though. I think you have some really great descriptions in your intro. I can picture the scene perfectly from your descriptions. The ending lines of the intro were a great lead in to the rest of the storybook. Nice image choice for the crab story, too! I am glad you continued to use such great descriptions in this story as well. It really adds to your story. I love that your stories have lessons and happy endings! Those are two of my favorite elements to add to a story. You picture of the holy cat looks like my cat, so I definitely loved that one. In the author’s note in the first part of the holy cat story, you switched the words ‘that’ and ‘they’ in the second line. I thought it was great that you separated the story into two parts, too. I think it only enhanced the story for the reader. Oh, and I loved the lesson you told with the holy cat story. Well done!
I never finished the second part of your holy cat story, so I came back to finish it! I really like the dialogue that is included in your storybook between Daada and the different creatures he comes across in his adventures, and I also really love the fact that the stories are being told through Daada telling the children the stories. It only makes them even more interesting because one can imagine the children’s faces as they listen to the stories. I like the character Daniel that you created. I am glad that you choose to tell a lesson with all your stories, too. The only suggestion I would make is making a distinction between dialogue within Daada’s stories and dialogue as far as Daada actually telling the story. It got a little confusing at one point where it switched from Daniel talking to Daada and then right after Daada talking to the children. I really enjoyed your storybook though. Good job!
I love this intro! It kind of reminds me of my favorite movie, “Big Fish.” I don’t know if you’ve seen it but it’s about this man who tells everyone all these tales of his past (he’s a tad over dramatic), but it’s such a good movie!
ReplyDeleteWell, I cannot wait to hear about the giant, evil crab that terrorized the animals until they were able to find his weakness (also, if you’re not referring to a person, it’s best to use “that” instead of “who”) or the sly little money that was able to save both their lives by tricking a couple of bloodthirsty crocodiles.
Great intro! I would just break up the sentence that introduces all the stories. There are three stories wrapped up into once sentence and I think it would be easier to read and clearer to understand if each story had its own sentence.
I can’t wait to read the rest!
I loved the introduction to your storybook, Savannah, and I can't wait to read more when you have written the stories! Daada sounds like such a fun grandfather and I pictured myself with the children gathering around to listen to his wonderful tales. I also loved that you wrote in the present tense because that also helped me feel like I was right there with them.
ReplyDeleteI would love to know more about the grandchildren and maybe it would be fun to have them introduced in the introduction! Getting to know them would almost remind me of Princess Bride when the audience also has a relationship with the sick kid. I am also curious as to what time period in which this story takes place as well as the location. It would be fun to know!
I can't wait to hear the stories that Daada tells, especially the evil crab because I am giggling just picturing that! I agree with Paulina that the sentences about the stories were a little confusing, but breaking it up into several sentences would probably help with clarity.
I enjoyed reading your story and I am excited to keep up with it!
I really enjoyed your introduction Savannah! Daada is a great character that seems very wise. Reminds me a lot of my grandfather that had a story to tell every time! I also really enjoyed how you described a family environment. I can really relate to how these stories are told and in what scene they took place! I wish you explained more about the grandchildren because I know in every family (Big ones especially) you have different types of grandkids. I'm sure there are many stories that Daada is going to tell that are interesting! So many characters that seem to have very fun and interesting stories! I am looking forward to hear the moral stories behind each character! I also enjoyed how you portrayed Daada's perspective on how he feels about narrating stories to the children, good job! Looking forward to reading the stories!
ReplyDeleteHi Savannah! Just the title of your storybook drew me in from the very beginning. You use a lot of great imagery in the introduction that really helps the reader visualize what your are saying. I also like how you incorporated some dialogue and interaction between Daada and his grandchildren. You also did a great job of setting up the background for your storybook. It is definitely very creative! I think this background that you used opened up your storybook to a lot of possibilities for stories that you can write about. It would be cool if you could explain more about the family in this introduction and incorporate them into your storybook as well. I would love to hear more about the grandchildren but also the parents of the grandchildren as well (Daada's children). Are they present when the stories are being told? What are their reactions? It would be awesome if you could really bring all of these characters to life and make it a real big family ordeal.
ReplyDeleteI like how you have the grandfather telling the story of his past. I agree with the above comment in that you should give more of a back story to the secondary characters in the story so you can bring them in again during the other stories and it will seem more connected. A little bit of imagery might be nice to lead into the next story. I am excited to see what the story is for the large crab. This man sort of sounds like Sinbad in his old age and is going back and retelling the stories to his grandkids. I would add a little but more detail to each story and maybe add the start of one story at the end to kind of lead it to the next story. I would also like to see some dialogue between him and his grandkids. I think later on that will help with connecting all the stories. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYour story looks like it is going to be a riot to read. I cant wait to see what you are going to do! I think the format you are going for is going to wonderful to read. There are only a couple things I would suggest doing.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be cool if you added more information to which stories you are going to cover in your project. As long as it does not spoil to much it is okay to add a little more details about the stories to grab the readers attention and make them come back for more. At the very least give each story its own little sentence so that we know they are three separate tales. Also, I think it would be really cool if you gave your secondary characters in the intro more life of their own. I don't know if you plan on them interjecting in the main stories, but if you do it would help to develop them a little more.
I think you have a great story ahead of you, and I cannot wait to see more!
One of the first things I noticed when I opened up your storybook is that you have everything on the home page capitalized but on the introduction page they aren’t. Including the “intro” tab and the title. I do like your title and the little subtitle you added in there! The picture that you chose is very strong and inviting. The picture alone draws me in to keep reading! When I read this I pictured my family sitting around a fire on a cold, winter evening listening to our grandpa talk and tell stories! I like that you included a little dialogue too! You might add in just a little background on the kids in the story but other than that I would say this is great!
ReplyDeleteI can’t wait to read the stories as you continue with your storybook. I think the way you have formatted so far will be a good way to start as you add stories.
Intro: I love your imagery here. Your description of the characters' behaviors and Daada's home radiates a warm, familiar feeling that speaks to the "family story time" vibe you're seeking. Your teasing of the juicy parts of the stories is also good, and the dialogue feels like it comes right out of the characters' mouths. If there's one thing I must suggest, it's that the last few lines feel a bit too grandiose for the setting, but otherwise I think this is solid!
ReplyDeleteStory 1: Daada's narration and your character dialogue is lively and gets you wrapped into the situation. Your quotation marks gets a little confusing, though, blending characters in the story and Daada's quoted narration awkwardly. It might serve well to find a way to distinguish both with text formatting, and to review some rules on quotes within quotes and quotes that span multiple paragraphs. Some more description would also give the story more impact, like description of the children's reaction during the story and the image of the giant crab. There's also a strange point in the beginning where the children's eyes are closed, but they widen in "delight and terror" a few moments later. I like this as a starting story, but description and quotation rules will help it fit with your intro's atmosphere and stick out as a story in general. Keep up the good work!
Introduction: I thought it was good! You did a nice job setting up the picture at the beginning and the framework for telling your tale. I liked the elements of humor and that you listed the animals that Daada was going to talk about. However, I would rather be a bit more surprised about what happens in each animal's story. You kind of gave away the plot for each of them which makes going to read them seem anticlimactic. Besides that, I felt like your introduction seemed a bit repetitive and circular, but all around it was good.
ReplyDeleteGiant Crab: Again, your picture was super lovely. But I felt like there was a bit too much set up. The first few paragraphs were repeating what already happened in the intro. I would have him jump right in to telling the story, but again this is your piece so you can decide. Also with the scene setting, I'd like a bit more. I want a description of the trees or rocks or the animals to really set the stage. I liked the tale, although I found the crab falling in love with this elephant instead of wanting to kill her like every other elephant a bit far-fetched. I also just wanted a bit more backstory as to why Daada was out adventuring in the first place. But overall I think your concept is fun, and I'm interested to see where it goes!
I enjoy how you set up your storybook as stories that an old man tells children. This really gives you freedom to retell the stories however you like. So far, I'm intrigued.
ReplyDeleteYour first story is really good. I like how you begin with Daada telling a story and I enjoy how you don't just have him telling the story, but you incorporate the children listening as well. It makes me feels as if I am with them listening. Something I noticed throughout the story, just a little grammar issue, but whenever you use dialogue in the midst of dialogue, like how Daada repeats the animals' words, use ' instead of ". I also think whenever you have someone telling a story, you always begin each paragraph with quotation marks, unless you are using dialogue as I pointed out. Still, I love that he can talk to the animals. I also love that he forms relationships with these animals and that they help each other out.
I like the way you describe action. It is very vivid and clear, and there is a sense of suspense which is really good. I love how you took the original story and made it Daada's story. I also love the lesson at the end, that no matter who anyone is, one should always be selfless for them. Even though Daada had no connection with the elephants, he still risked his life to help them. Even though you are retelling these folktales, you are also doing a really great job at setting up Daada's character. I want to learn more about his adventures. You have done really well so far with this story, and I'm excited to see what else you come up with.
Hi Savannah! I had an extra choice this week, and your storybook title caught my eye!
ReplyDeleteI think you did a fantastic job with your introduction. It sets up all of the stories really well, and it makes it really easy for the reader to understand why the particular stories are going to be told. I also think you did a wonderful job writing about Daada and giving his character life.
In your first story, the level of detail you are able to include amazes me. It seems like you've put a lot of time and effort to get details just right. I also like that you keep the fact that you're main character is telling a story, and that you go in and out of the story. The transitions seem very naturally, and I never felt like I was pulled out of the story as a whole.
Moving on to the second story, I sorta expected to be greeted by the "... when the world was full of magic and adventure" line. It seemed important in your intro, and you even used it in your first story. You might want to bring it back for each story for consistency.
Daada seems to be a well-traveled individual with many years of stories. So the fact that your second story takes place immediately after the first was jarring. You might want to somehow make it apparent that the individual stories are closely connected at some point in your intro.
Yet again, you wrote a nice story. I like how chose not to include dialogue for the cat. It was a nice factor in the story that will help differentiate your tales.
Overall, I would recommend going through and fixing small grammatical errors. There aren't any glaring mistakes in your content -- you did great on that! I would also take time and work on how you visually break up your paragraphs. Sometimes there was a single line of space, other times there were multiple. You might also think of ways to visually break up the text, too.
Great job on this so far!
Savannah, I think that your storybook is overall very well done. I think that the introduction does a great job of explaining the premise of your storybook. I love that you chose to center it around different animals and I think that using images of these animals makes it an easy connection between your images and your stories. I think that your writing style does a very good job of including humor and lots and lots of details into your stories. I like the personification of animals, I think that this makes it interesting on a different level. I think that the continuity between your stories is a great addition and is something that you should continue to do with your future stories. I also like the point of the story being so clear at the end, I think that this makes it easy to understand why a grandpa would be telling this story to his grandchildren, but still makes the story relatable to all readers. Overall, I think you've done a really good job with your stories and with your introduction. I think that your homepage could be a little more descriptive of your storybook. I think that including pictures relevant to your storybook as well as giving a small description that explains your storybook better would be really helpful here.
ReplyDeleteI’ve really enjoyed seeing all the different story formats and framing devices people have come up with for their Storybooks. I haven’t seen any quite like yours yet. I have seen one or two from the point of view of a single person who is telling a few different stories, but yours is unique because the narrating character is actively telling the story not to the reader, but to an in-story audience. Which definitely means some advantages and some drawbacks.
ReplyDeleteOne thing you might want to work on is transitioning from the old man talking, to being inside the story with other characters’ dialogue. For example:
The eagle flying over me seemed friendly enough, so I waved him down to ask for directions to the closest water supply.”
“There is only one lake on this mountain and you do NOT want to go there!” said the eagle.
The format makes it a little confusing, because for a moment it seems like Daada is talking, and then the eagle is talking to him in the real world instead of inside the story he’s telling.
One other thing you could do in the future is include the kids. They react to the stories, but they could also interact with it. This could cause Daada to react to their comments and questions and change or explain certain parts of the story he tells.
But all in all, I think whether you end up doing any of the above things or not, you’re going to end up with a nice story!
Hi, Savannah! I'm glad I got to come back to your storybook!
ReplyDeleteI really like that you altered the book to make the Holy Cat story a two-part story. Since you did this, you might consider having some natural in-story break. I understand that it was just too much to fit into one story post, but it would be really cool if there was something within the universe of your story that caused the break. Maybe a child had a question.
Speaking of the children, it would be nice to have them be more interactive within your stories. Telling stories is a two-way street. The story teller has to react to the audience and adjust where necessary. Maybe if there is something complicated in your story, you have a child be confused, and then make Daada rephrase a part to better explain it.
Overall, I think you're doing a fantastic job with this story, and I can't wait to see the finished product!
Well, your story is certifiably entrancing. I started reading it and could not look away until I had read every thing you had. You have done a fabulous job capturing the story telling aspect. You have a perfect balance of unreliable narrator and omniscience narrator that it really feels like Dadda lived these events. I only have one suggestion. If there is any way you could show the separation between the story and the events taking place outside of it, you might want to. If you cannot do that with out effecting readability, don't , it is fine the way it is, but if you can it may help the reader understand what is going on easier. I loved your stories and cannot wait to read more form you.
ReplyDeleteHi, Savannah! I really loved reading your story book and I found myself cracking up throughout the entire thing! I love picturing all of the kids eagerly listening to Daada even when they are "too old" to listen to such bedtime stories. I also loved when they were begging for him to not to make them go to bed and they said "PUHLEEASE"! What a good visual and use of dialogue! I really enjoyed the introduction and how it sets the stage for the stories to come. It made me eager to keep reading and I was definitely not disappointed with the following stories! I loved the giant crab and picturing him being so lonely made me sad! He definitely shouldn't have controlled the lake though so I'm glad the elephants were able to take it back! Overall, I extremely enjoyed your story and can't wait to read even more!
ReplyDeleteHi, Savannah! This storybook was both an ingenious idea and a beautiful one. I love the character interactions and how you’re able to integrate and retell classic fables but still keep the main goal of it. I actually just wrote a story about “The Giant Crab” for this week’s storytelling post, and I loved it! When I saw that your first chapter was over it, I immediately clicked on your storybook to see your take on it. The only thing I would suggest is maybe a defining difference between Daada telling the story versus his own dialogue and the children’s. You could definitely do this by italicizing the fable or even providing a visual separation between the dialogue and story! This would help make your storybook more comprehensible without too much confusion. Aside from this, I had no serious probblems with your storybook! Everything was very well thought out and well written! Great job, and I can’t wait to read your next chapter!
ReplyDeleteTHE HOLY CAT, PART 1:
ReplyDeleteOnce again, I love your Daada character. His opening with the children gives his story a whimsical and charismatic feel.
It might help to have Daada elaborate in vague terms his reasoning as to why he's suspicious of the Holy Cat, as the hints given are the kinds that feel like you need to read into in order to get them.
Rather than suggesting italicizing to make a distinction between story and reality, I think italicizing the story dialogue might help make a distinction.
Also, rather than suggesting getting the children in on the story, how about some other relatives to interact with Daada as he weaves a tale? Do these children have a mother? For that matter, is Daada a grandfather?
"Gifted me many with provisions" should be "gifted me with many"
Overall, good first part, just a bit of family mood flavor to liven it up will make it really enjoyable.
THE HOLY CAT, PART 2:
Nice message, though it might have more impact if we see more of the divide between Daniel and the rest of his rat acquaintances.
Paragraph 3 gets mixed up in terms of time placement due to being part of Daada's present-day narration.
We seem to take a rather large jump to conclusions in paragraphs 10 and 11, from trying to uncover the Holy Cat's true intentions to trying to stop the Holy Cat from eating other rats. I think you can axe some unnecessary dialogue to make room for a more logical connection. It will help you plot be more coherent.
Something I just realized: who is talking when there are words without quotations?
Considering how small the rats are in comparison to the Holy Cat, how exactly did Ralphio manage to kill the Holy Cat?
Overall, It has a nice message, with a compelling conflict there with Daniel, though refining some of the logic and details in the plot events and the writing format will help make the resolution more meaningful.
Keep at it!
Oh my gosh I love your Storybook! I was in the Indian Epics class last semester, so I originally thought Daada was going to turn out to be Rama or something, but this is so cute and even better! I never read a lot of these myths so it's so nice to be introduced to them in this way. I think adding the aspect of the grandfather telling stories to his grandchildren is a great way to make it more relatable to people. You did a really good job of subtly inserting Daada into the stories without it seeming as if he got all the credit or did nothing! I also love the pictures you picked for each story. They're all so cute and fit well together. I love the story of the Holy Cat the best! Such a good moral and funny story! I can't to read the rest! Is there going to be another story?
ReplyDeleteHey Savannah!
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time visiting your storybook and I chose it as my freebie! I wanted to find one I had not commented on yet and was super excited when I came across yours! I noticed right off of the bat that the Titles at the top right corner of the welcome page are not capitalized. I am not sure if this was on purpose or not, but I figured I would make a note of it! I know some people do not like my story titles and so it is all off of preference. I jumped to the third story at first before deciding it was probably best to start at the beginning! I love your writing style as it is easy to read and all of the punctuation seems to be right! (I always struggle showing conversations in present tense!) Overall, great job!
I love the picture you chose for the intro! I think you could possibly find a more fitting picture for the cover page, though. I think you have some really great descriptions in your intro. I can picture the scene perfectly from your descriptions. The ending lines of the intro were a great lead in to the rest of the storybook. Nice image choice for the crab story, too! I am glad you continued to use such great descriptions in this story as well. It really adds to your story. I love that your stories have lessons and happy endings! Those are two of my favorite elements to add to a story. You picture of the holy cat looks like my cat, so I definitely loved that one. In the author’s note in the first part of the holy cat story, you switched the words ‘that’ and ‘they’ in the second line. I thought it was great that you separated the story into two parts, too. I think it only enhanced the story for the reader. Oh, and I loved the lesson you told with the holy cat story. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI never finished the second part of your holy cat story, so I came back to finish it! I really like the dialogue that is included in your storybook between Daada and the different creatures he comes across in his adventures, and I also really love the fact that the stories are being told through Daada telling the children the stories. It only makes them even more interesting because one can imagine the children’s faces as they listen to the stories. I like the character Daniel that you created. I am glad that you choose to tell a lesson with all your stories, too. The only suggestion I would make is making a distinction between dialogue within Daada’s stories and dialogue as far as Daada actually telling the story. It got a little confusing at one point where it switched from Daniel talking to Daada and then right after Daada talking to the children. I really enjoyed your storybook though. Good job!
ReplyDelete